SURPRISING ATTITUDES

Something different had popped up in my embryo donation mail box. A committed lesbian couple, barely out of their 20's was already having trouble conceiving a child. They were Southern, not Jewish, and I was only considering Jewish recipients. But there was something special about their attitude and their email.

When I wrote back I let them know they did not meet my criteria but out of curiosity I also asked why they were looking into using donor embryos and if they lived near where I was vacationing at that moment. Here's what they told me (again, I have their permission to reprint this):

We were basically told that Erin's egg quality and
quantity were diminished at this point and the best option was either for me to get pregnant (which would also be difficult since I have polycystic ovaries) or to do IVF with egg/embryo donation.

After much thought and consideration, we both decided it would be best for our family to choose embryo donation. We are so excited at the possibility of having children and feel like this option is a fresh start. We actually left our clinic yesterday excited about the possibility but also with concern about finding donors (especially because we are lesbians).

Our other concern regarding this was the fact that our clinic only does anonymous donations and we both have a strong family connection and would want our child(ren) to have the chance to have that same opportunity with their biological family. We chose an open sperm donor for this reason.

We would love to have two or more children and having biological siblings would be fantastic! Please ask any questions you have, we are more than willing to answer honestly and sincerely~
Jenny & Erin

Well that was a funny co-incidence. Their home area, which I gleaned from the name of their clinic, was in the same county where my wife grew up and where all of her relatives still live.

These women were different in every way from the other folks who had written to us. Instead of listing the increasingly desperate ways they had tried to conceive before finally having to accept the last choice option of embryo donation, this couple was positive about that option and had embraced it quickly.

It must have initially been a deep disappointment to give up the dream of their own genetic child. What a rip-off for a woman in her late 20's to find out that her eggs would make it hard to conceive naturally. Who expects that at such a young age? I would have been angry and frustrated. Yet this couple's realism and positive attitude signalled to me that their concern was having a baby to love, not having a baby who looked like them regardless of the costs.

In considering embryo donation they took the child's viewpoint, accepting that all children want to know as much as possible about where they come from and would naturally want to know their genetic roots if possible.

Delightfully, they had addressed the fact that we were looking for Jewish donors without resorting to the formula we had heard from all other Christian recipients: "We're not Jewish but our neighbor's dentist's third grade teacher was and he promised to tell us all about it."

These women had a refreshingly healthy approach to embryo donation. The fact that they were not Jewish meant I really could not consider them for my embryos, but I found myself wanting to know more about them. They interested me but I felt even more strongly as I considered them that I only wanted Jewish recipients. If I asked them more questions perhaps I'd find they were strong believers in something I abhor like "spare the rod and spoil the child" or maybe there was a medical reason they could probably not carry a pregnancy to term.

If so, I could put my curiosity to rest having given them a fair shot. And since our sperm donor is not an ID release donor they might change their minds about considering us. I decided to put our negatives out on the table; maybe they would bow out. In case they didn't, I asked for a photo of the two of them. A lot of potential recipients had sent a photo of their families. I found that these shots revealed a lot. So, half hoping it would be a deal-breaker for them, I wrote them back:

Hi Jenny and Erin,

Thanks for the info. Hope your Thanksgiving was good.

I am sorry the IUI did not work. If I understand correctly, Erin has decreased ovarian reserve and Jenny has PCOS. What did the clinic say about pregnancy for each of you? I hope you don't mind these questions. They are, of necessity, extremely intrusive!

I was wondering what you do for a living and if I could see a recent photo of the two of you.

Also, our sperm donor is anonymous and not an identity release donor. Not sure if you are interested in having only the sperm donor profile/essay/medical history to share with any children you might have.

Best wishes,

This couple's candor and positive attitude was so refreshing. But they still were not Jewish. My email would be a deal-breaker if they didn't want an anonymous sperm donor, or perhaps their photo would reveal to me that they had antennae. Or maybe they each worked 147 hours per week as corporate lawyers and shouldn't be considering having kids.

I had previously found it a lot easier to turn down potential recipients who did not meet our criteria. But there was something compelling about these women. Perhaps I had given them a reason to say "no", or maybe they would give me one. I waited to see what they would say next.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

We were hearing from more infertile Jewish lesbians than we could have dreamed existed. All were in their forties or 50's, in long-term relationships, and had one child who was inevitably begging them for a sibling. Many were nice but none of them was quite right as parents for those embryos we had on ice.

Soon after creating this blog to try to cast a wider net for recipients we received the following email. Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the couple's privacy but I have permission to publish what they wrote to me:

Hello! We are relatively new to this whole process but came upon this website and found your profile. We are a lesbian couple, ages 31 & 30 who have had several failed attempts at IUI. We have recently found out that embryo donation is our best option. Living in the South, we were uncertain of our opportunities to adopt. It is very important for my partner to go through pregnancy and bond with our child.

We are interested in having two to three children and would love the opportunity for them to share a biological connection. The only downside of the embryo adoption for us was the fact that the child would not have the opportunity to know their biological parent(s). Anonymous donation is the only such type at our clinic.

We are not Jewish but are very spiritual and have very strong family values. Both sets of parents are very supportive in all our endevours and we would love the opportunity to raise a child in a happy, loving, supportive home. Please feel free to contact us with any questions/comments. We look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,
Jenny & Erin
P.S. Happy Thanksgiving!

This couple was not Jewish so we couldn't really consider them as recipients, but something in their email really made me stop and think. They had the option of receiving donor embryos from their clinic but they prefered a known embryo donor.

As someone who conceived her own children using a sperm donor I could really relate to this. The only thing we regret about our donor is that, unlike many of them, he is not an "open identity donor". That means it is extremely unlikely that our kids will ever have the chance to meet him or even see an adult picture of him.

Considering the fact that sperm banks allow each donor to help conceive ten or more kids, I could understand from the sperm donor's perspective why he might not want to meet so many children who share his DNA. They might have unrealistic expectations of him and there would probably be a heck of a lot of them.

But if I were this lesbian couple I would prefer an open-identity embryo donor too! Their clinic was willing to give them embryos, but from all different donors. They had no choice in the matter and would only know the barest medical details about the donors. They wanted more than one child, and the clinics' system guaranteed that the children would not be biological siblings. If I were these women I would opt out of this bizarre system if I had any other choice.

The attitude expressed by these women was the opposite of all the other emails I had received from potential recipients. Everyone else seemed to regard the embryo donor as a necessary evil on their path to parenthood. The proof of most recipients' hostile attitudes towards embryo donation is the fact most who become parents this way actively choose to lie to their kids. They pretend to be their children's genetic parents.

These recipients who had just contacted me, by contrast, felt so secure about themselves that they refused to deny their children the knowledge of their genetic roots. They planned to tell their kids they were conceived from donor egg and sperm because they respected their children's right to know and thought it would be something special the kids would enjoy.

Even though they were not Jewish and thus not the recipients for us, I was intrigued by their healthy, secure mindset. And I was, as always, curious: where were they in the South? Perhaps we were right next door since I happened to be down South for Thanksgiving. And why was a couple that young having trouble conceiving?

Making it clear that I was looking for a Jewish family for my embryos I wrote back a brief note with my questions. Whether they answered or not, their child-centered approach to embryo donation was giving me a lot to think about.