WHAT WE DIDN'T ASK POTENTIAL RECIPIENTS

When recipients responded to our MiraclesWaiting listing and asked for our spare embryos we asked them a lot of personal questions. I always felt bad about prying but obviously we needed to make sure we didn't give embryos to anyone abusive or incapable of good parenting.

There were a lot of things I wanted to know that I didn't ask any of the potential recipients. Some things are too personal. I didn't even ask the women we finally picked any of the things below. They are the parents. Since I don't have or want input on their parenting it is not my right to ask how they would parent.

Here's what I didn't ask that I would have liked to know:

1) Would you give your child soda?
2) Do you think children should watch TV?
3) How are the schools where you live?
4) Is there any abuse in either of your families?
5) Is either of you a recovering user of drugs or alcohol?
6) Are you setting up a college fund if you have children?
7) How will you child-proof your home?
8) Does either of you have depression or other mental illness?

Stuff like that. Why didn't I ask these prying questions? I chose to spend a month corresponding and speaking with the potential recipient couple to get a first-hand sense of what these answers might be. It was less intrusive and more accurate to read between the lines than to alienate the recipients by prying. In my job I am required to assess patients and get a sense of their mental health, physical health, lifestyle and skills. My track record is good.

Ultimately, I had to find people I trusted to be good parents then let them at it. And I had.

FULL SPEED AHEAD

Now that we had picked Jenny and Erin as our embryo recipients, Sonia and I were eager to finalize the donation. The spare embryos had been sitting in our fertility clinic's freezer for almost two years as we decided what to do with them and we were ready to get them off our hands.

The recipients had spent about the same amount of time trying to start a family. After nine unsuccessful intra-uterine insemination cycles and lots of invasive tests, Jenny and Erin were more than ready to start their family. They, and their doctor, felt that embryo donation was their most feasible option for having a baby. If the lawyer could produce a final contract before their January intake appointment at our fertility clinic, Jenny and Erin might have a baby by the end of the year.

Though our contract did not require that the two families ever meet, Jenny and Erin had expressed interest in getting together when they traveled to our fertility clinic for the initial appointment. We wondered if this might end up being too stressful for them since it would be a four hour round trip from the clinic to our city. But if they were up for it we would be pleased to introduce them to our children. They should meet them before the transfer, we figured, to make sure they knew what they were getting into!