When she was three days old, Sonia's parents took her home from the hospital. They were grateful to Jane, Sonia's birthmother, but the cloak of shame that surrounded adoption in those days meant they never had the opportunity to thank her in person.
Sonia knew she was adopted as early as she was conscious. Her parents never attempted to lie to her about her origins. At age four, Sonia asked Ellen, her mother, "what is my real mother's name?" Ellen calmly replied "I am your real mother. Your natural mother's name is Jane." Ellen always had a positive and realistic attitude towards adoption, and Sonia absorbed this.
Unfortunately, since this adoption was closed, all that Sonia and her parents knew about Jane was her name, where she had lived and what church she belonged to. When Sonia felt normal adolescent rebellion towards her family she would sometimes imagine being rescued by her natural mother. In the absence of real information about Jane, Sonia imagined her as a particular television character from a popular series of the time set in Jane's home state.
This is the drawback to anonymous adoption. Real knowledge is absent. But an adopted child, naturally curious about her origins, will conjecture. "I have high cheekbones and straight hair" the adoptee might ponder "I must be a Cherokee princess".
In an open adoption, there is no mystery, and thus no glamour. The birthmother is a known quantity, with her natural human flaws on full display.
Still, Sonia at least never had to wonder why she was the only brown-eyed person of average height in a large family of gigantic, blue-eyed people. She knew that her mother wanted her for years and years and finally brought her home with great joy. Knowing she was adopted was a wonderful thing for Sonia.
At nineteen, when she met Jane, Sonia felt a sense of wholeness. She had answered those life-long questions. But she never again felt anything but gratitude that Ellen was her mother, and not Jane. Jane is Sonia's friend but Sonia knows exactly who her "real" mother is.
Meanwhile, Jane had handled this situation very differently from Ellen. We can contrast the two approaches as our story concludes.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Saturday, February 24, 2007
ONE ADOPTION STORY
My wife's adoption story is an important part of our family history. When her birthmother's boyfriend Tommy returned from Viet Nam, he and Jane rekindled their relationship, discussing marriage. Around this time, Jane found out she was pregnant. Tommy understood that they had not been officially "together" when Jane had the fling with John that resulted in this pregnancy. He still wanted to marry her but he asked her "Don't make me raise another man's baby".
For his part, John was willing to help Jane "take care of" this problem. When he went to his parents to ask for the funds to do this, they said "absolutely not". Abortion was legal by this time, though not in the state where they were living. Still, a young woman in Jane's economic class could easily have accessed a legal or illegal abortion.
John's parents disagreed. They gave Jane the moral and practical support she needed to complete her pregnancy. Adoption in those days was still shrouded in shame so Jane did not have the opportunity to pick the parents herself. But Jane's pastor knew a couple who were eager to have a baby. Jane decided to go through with her pregnancy and in due time give birth to the most wonderful woman ever to grace the planet, my wife Sonia.
We are obviously happy Jane made the difficult choice to bear a child for another couple -- Sonia's parents. We are particularly glad that Jane's consent was an integral part of every aspect of this story. Not all women are so lucky, which is why we strongly believe women should have the choice whether or not to go through with their pregnancies.
Many of my feelings about how destructive lies are in a family are shaped by how Jane chose to handle the information within her own family that she had given birth out of wedlock. Before I go on with this story I ask that you put yourself in Jane's shoes. Jane made the choice to have a baby she knew she could not keep. She dealt with a difficult situation in the way that seemed best. That is her right. We cannot judge her unless we have walked in her shoes. If we can all agree that Jane dealt with her pregnancy and its aftermath in the right way for her I will tell you what that was next time.
For his part, John was willing to help Jane "take care of" this problem. When he went to his parents to ask for the funds to do this, they said "absolutely not". Abortion was legal by this time, though not in the state where they were living. Still, a young woman in Jane's economic class could easily have accessed a legal or illegal abortion.
John's parents disagreed. They gave Jane the moral and practical support she needed to complete her pregnancy. Adoption in those days was still shrouded in shame so Jane did not have the opportunity to pick the parents herself. But Jane's pastor knew a couple who were eager to have a baby. Jane decided to go through with her pregnancy and in due time give birth to the most wonderful woman ever to grace the planet, my wife Sonia.
We are obviously happy Jane made the difficult choice to bear a child for another couple -- Sonia's parents. We are particularly glad that Jane's consent was an integral part of every aspect of this story. Not all women are so lucky, which is why we strongly believe women should have the choice whether or not to go through with their pregnancies.
Many of my feelings about how destructive lies are in a family are shaped by how Jane chose to handle the information within her own family that she had given birth out of wedlock. Before I go on with this story I ask that you put yourself in Jane's shoes. Jane made the choice to have a baby she knew she could not keep. She dealt with a difficult situation in the way that seemed best. That is her right. We cannot judge her unless we have walked in her shoes. If we can all agree that Jane dealt with her pregnancy and its aftermath in the right way for her I will tell you what that was next time.
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