ONE ADOPTION STORY

My wife's adoption story is an important part of our family history. When her birthmother's boyfriend Tommy returned from Viet Nam, he and Jane rekindled their relationship, discussing marriage. Around this time, Jane found out she was pregnant. Tommy understood that they had not been officially "together" when Jane had the fling with John that resulted in this pregnancy. He still wanted to marry her but he asked her "Don't make me raise another man's baby".

For his part, John was willing to help Jane "take care of" this problem. When he went to his parents to ask for the funds to do this, they said "absolutely not". Abortion was legal by this time, though not in the state where they were living. Still, a young woman in Jane's economic class could easily have accessed a legal or illegal abortion.

John's parents disagreed. They gave Jane the moral and practical support she needed to complete her pregnancy. Adoption in those days was still shrouded in shame so Jane did not have the opportunity to pick the parents herself. But Jane's pastor knew a couple who were eager to have a baby. Jane decided to go through with her pregnancy and in due time give birth to the most wonderful woman ever to grace the planet, my wife Sonia.

We are obviously happy Jane made the difficult choice to bear a child for another couple -- Sonia's parents. We are particularly glad that Jane's consent was an integral part of every aspect of this story. Not all women are so lucky, which is why we strongly believe women should have the choice whether or not to go through with their pregnancies.

Many of my feelings about how destructive lies are in a family are shaped by how Jane chose to handle the information within her own family that she had given birth out of wedlock. Before I go on with this story I ask that you put yourself in Jane's shoes. Jane made the choice to have a baby she knew she could not keep. She dealt with a difficult situation in the way that seemed best. That is her right. We cannot judge her unless we have walked in her shoes. If we can all agree that Jane dealt with her pregnancy and its aftermath in the right way for her I will tell you what that was next time.

PARENTS OF ALL KINDS

As we waited for the embryo donation contract, the recipients kept us up-dated about their lives and we began to share more with them. Jenny's car died and she bought a new one. This was an unwelcome expense as they budgeted for transferring the frozen embryos we were donating to them. At least they hadn't pursued egg donation: with one IVF cycle it would have cost more than their brand new sedan.

Around this time we invited friends and family to celebrate our daughter's first birthday. Jane, my wife Sonia's birthmother, spent six hours on the train to join us for the party. It was the first time we had seen her since our son was born two years earlier.

Since turning 19 and meeting Jane (at, co-incidentally, the same age Jane was when she had given birth to Sonia), Jane and Sonia had seen each other every few years.

Sonia was conceived in the swinging 1960's. At the time, free love was not as big in the South as it was elsewhere. Jane had a steady boyfriend, the first and only man she had ever been with. When he shipped off to fight in Viet Nam they took a break from their relationship.

While visiting a friend, Jane was swept off her feet by John, a handsome fellow student from a nearby college. Good girls don't carry birth control, but as inexperienced as she was, Jane may not have even realized she was rolling the dice.

Tommy was due back from Viet Nam and Jane's period was due, but neither had yet arrived. What happened next would shape many lives.