Some day soon we will transfer ownership of our three spare embryos to a lesbian couple. Based on our clinic's published rates of success with frozen embryo transfer, the chances are excellent that a baby, or possibly two, will result from our donation. Two loving parents will hopefully become a family, and their joy will be ours as well because we were able to give them this precious gift.
The funny thing is, I don't believe in embryo donation.
It is wrong to prioritize the "adoption" of fertilized eggs when millions of living, breathing, loving children languish in orphanages and foster care systems worldwide. Their needs are greater than a fertilized egg sitting in a freezer.
As a donor, I have had to weigh my belief that fertilized eggs have no right to life with a desire to help ameliorate discrimination. Gay and lesbian families are barred from adopting unless they lie.
If adoption agencies, genetic parents, family courts and law-makers in the US looked at a couple's suitability to raise a child without regard to whether the partners were gay or straight you would not be reading this blog. That's because I would not donate these embryos if lesbians had equal access to adoption, embryo donation or even basic fertility treatments like IUI when starting their families. My wife and I would simply donate the embryos to science.
If the "sacrifice" of our embryos led to a cure for multiple sclerosis my co-worker would no longer be confined to a wheelchair. My friend's diabetes might be cured. Would I deny a fertilized egg bearing my DNA the possibility of becoming a child? If it meant bringing science even one step closer to curing some dread disease I would do it in a heartbeat -- the heartbeat that fertilized egg is two months of gestation and lots of luck away from ever experiencing.
As it is, a lesbian couple somewhere, just this once, is going to benefit from reverse discrimination. My donation will prioritize gay parents over straight ones. This embryo donation to a lesbian couple will be my small contribution to leveling the playing field.
If you are a member of a heterosexual couple that wants donor embryos, I am sorry you have to experience discrimination based on the gender of your partner. If it feels like a rip-off I hope you will remember this feeling the next time an anti-gay ballot measure or politician comes up for a vote in your home town. It's a crummy thing for anyone to face discrimination based on the person they love. My donation will help one family compensate for a cruel, biased system. You have the power to help change that system.
My children need legal protection despite the fact that their parents are both women. Votes against gay people hurt our children. If you love children, help pass civil union or pro-marriage laws that allow gay couples to formalize their relationships. On behalf of my son and daughter, and the children of millions of other gay couples, thank you.
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Monday, January 1, 2007
THE SEARCH GOES ON
After we finished exploring an embryo donation to the first Jewish lesbian couple to contact us we were surprised to receive many more requests from other such couples.
When we listed our embryos for donation we expected it to take months to find even one Jewish lesbian. Within weeks we had heard from eight potential recipients.
We wrote back to one lesbian couple. They had written to say they were Jewish, experiencing infertility and not interested in receiving the embryos for a year or so. We asked them some basic questions: why did they want to wait a year to receive the embryos? What region of the US did they call home? They never wrote back.
Contacting someone asking for their embryos should not be a casual act. All they needed to do was write a one-line email saying they were not ready to receive embryos after all. As it was, their flaking out meant we would never consider them again.
Another couple wrote who were in their late forties/early fifties. Both were also ill. My own parents were in their mid-40's when I was born. As a child I did the math and realized my parents were old enough to be my grandparents. After that I always worried they would die while I was still young. This couple (and several others who contacted us) was even older than my parents had been, and sick. I did not want to give the embryos to a couple which might leave their children orphans before long.
We wrote back to another couple who were in their mid-forties. We learned that they had a lot of "dyke drama" going on over custody of a child one partner had with her ex. It sounded messy.
We also heard from Jewish lesbians who were not currently in a relationship. Being a single parent is extremely hard. We wanted to give our gift to two women, partners who could help each other, not just one.
A single lesbian wrote to us asking for the embryos and addressing just this concern. She said she was "looking for a co-parenting arrangement" with the donors. An open embryo donation can take any shape the parties prefer. But if we wanted to parent our remaining embryos we would give birth to them ourselves! Our family is complete. The whole point of giving away the embryos is to give someone else the chance to parent.
Several other lesbian couples wrote who were not Jewish. One or two of them seemed like good candidates, if only they had been Jewish. We explained to them that we were prioritizing a donation to a Jewish couple but we could keep their information in case we did not find what we were looking for.
One of these non-Jewish lesbians wrote back thanking me but saying she did not want to be picked unless she was the "perfect recipient". Since I did not want to pick a non-Jewish recipient unless I could not find a Jewish family, this woman felt she could not measure up and removed herself from consideration.
I wondered about her idea that there is a "perfect recipient". Most of the lesbian couples who had contacted me had some positive aspect to their families. We considered each request carefully, even if we ultimately rejected those we had received to date. Was there a "perfect recipient" out there? We kept our minds open to all possibilities while we waited to find out.
When we listed our embryos for donation we expected it to take months to find even one Jewish lesbian. Within weeks we had heard from eight potential recipients.
We wrote back to one lesbian couple. They had written to say they were Jewish, experiencing infertility and not interested in receiving the embryos for a year or so. We asked them some basic questions: why did they want to wait a year to receive the embryos? What region of the US did they call home? They never wrote back.
Contacting someone asking for their embryos should not be a casual act. All they needed to do was write a one-line email saying they were not ready to receive embryos after all. As it was, their flaking out meant we would never consider them again.
Another couple wrote who were in their late forties/early fifties. Both were also ill. My own parents were in their mid-40's when I was born. As a child I did the math and realized my parents were old enough to be my grandparents. After that I always worried they would die while I was still young. This couple (and several others who contacted us) was even older than my parents had been, and sick. I did not want to give the embryos to a couple which might leave their children orphans before long.
We wrote back to another couple who were in their mid-forties. We learned that they had a lot of "dyke drama" going on over custody of a child one partner had with her ex. It sounded messy.
We also heard from Jewish lesbians who were not currently in a relationship. Being a single parent is extremely hard. We wanted to give our gift to two women, partners who could help each other, not just one.
A single lesbian wrote to us asking for the embryos and addressing just this concern. She said she was "looking for a co-parenting arrangement" with the donors. An open embryo donation can take any shape the parties prefer. But if we wanted to parent our remaining embryos we would give birth to them ourselves! Our family is complete. The whole point of giving away the embryos is to give someone else the chance to parent.
Several other lesbian couples wrote who were not Jewish. One or two of them seemed like good candidates, if only they had been Jewish. We explained to them that we were prioritizing a donation to a Jewish couple but we could keep their information in case we did not find what we were looking for.
One of these non-Jewish lesbians wrote back thanking me but saying she did not want to be picked unless she was the "perfect recipient". Since I did not want to pick a non-Jewish recipient unless I could not find a Jewish family, this woman felt she could not measure up and removed herself from consideration.
I wondered about her idea that there is a "perfect recipient". Most of the lesbian couples who had contacted me had some positive aspect to their families. We considered each request carefully, even if we ultimately rejected those we had received to date. Was there a "perfect recipient" out there? We kept our minds open to all possibilities while we waited to find out.
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