As mentioned in an earlier article, we had received a flood of requests for our embryos within just a few weeks of listing them with MiraclesWaiting.org. We had specified we would donate only to a lesbian couple since lesbians face discrimination from adoption agencies, fertility clinics and genetic parents.
There was one thing that all of the lesbians contacting us had in common. They all had one child. Their inability to have another child reflected secondary infertility, or infertility of the partner who was parenting but had not yet given birth herself. At least one of the partners in each couple had already carried a child to term. But with only one child, these women felt their families were not yet complete.
Each couple wanted exactly one more child. We have three frozen embryos. Our clinic has the best success rate in the country with frozen embryo transfer. Fully 65% of frozen embryo transfers at our clinic end in pregnancy. Their successful thaw rate per embryos is an impressive 95%.
Chances are excellent that one of our three embryos will develop into a child. It's statistically probable that two of them could become children. And you never know, lightning could strike three times.
But all the women contacting us only want one baby. So if they have a child using one or two of our embryos they will have no use for the remaining embryo(s). Since any unused embryos usually revert back to the donor, we would have to go through the entire donation process all over again with a new family. And potentially have on-going contact with two families instead of one. This did not appeal to us. The fact that these women all wanted only one additional child was not a plus.
One heterosexual couple had written to us saying that she and her husband had five children. They wanted a sixth but their youngest son had autism. Since that condition has now been found to have a strong genetic component, this couple had made the admirable decision not to give birth to another child who might also have this problem. I respected that their family did not seem complete to them, but the fact that they already had five children when couples with none were writing to us affected the direction we took next.
Donating our embryos is the greatest gift we will ever give someone, unless we donate an organ to a person who faces death without it. That gift will be far more meaningful if we help a childless couple start a family versus allowing existing parents to complete their family.
Most women with no children would welcome either one or two children. That means if we found a couple with no children we could make our donation just once. If a childless couple had two children from our embryos they would be happy about it. If these three embryos beat the odds and turned into three babies it might be too many for a couple who already had a child but for a childless couple it could be just the right number.
We resolved to wait for a couple whose diagnosis was primary infertility, not secondary infertility. In other words, we decided to try to donate to a couple who did not already have a child. As additional requests came in from lesbian couples we offered to retain their contact info while explaining our preference to them for a childless couple. And we waited to see if our perfect recipients would come along.
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
WHY I'M AGAINST EMBRYO DONATION
Some day soon we will transfer ownership of our three spare embryos to a lesbian couple. Based on our clinic's published rates of success with frozen embryo transfer, the chances are excellent that a baby, or possibly two, will result from our donation. Two loving parents will hopefully become a family, and their joy will be ours as well because we were able to give them this precious gift.
The funny thing is, I don't believe in embryo donation.
It is wrong to prioritize the "adoption" of fertilized eggs when millions of living, breathing, loving children languish in orphanages and foster care systems worldwide. Their needs are greater than a fertilized egg sitting in a freezer.
As a donor, I have had to weigh my belief that fertilized eggs have no right to life with a desire to help ameliorate discrimination. Gay and lesbian families are barred from adopting unless they lie.
If adoption agencies, genetic parents, family courts and law-makers in the US looked at a couple's suitability to raise a child without regard to whether the partners were gay or straight you would not be reading this blog. That's because I would not donate these embryos if lesbians had equal access to adoption, embryo donation or even basic fertility treatments like IUI when starting their families. My wife and I would simply donate the embryos to science.
If the "sacrifice" of our embryos led to a cure for multiple sclerosis my co-worker would no longer be confined to a wheelchair. My friend's diabetes might be cured. Would I deny a fertilized egg bearing my DNA the possibility of becoming a child? If it meant bringing science even one step closer to curing some dread disease I would do it in a heartbeat -- the heartbeat that fertilized egg is two months of gestation and lots of luck away from ever experiencing.
As it is, a lesbian couple somewhere, just this once, is going to benefit from reverse discrimination. My donation will prioritize gay parents over straight ones. This embryo donation to a lesbian couple will be my small contribution to leveling the playing field.
If you are a member of a heterosexual couple that wants donor embryos, I am sorry you have to experience discrimination based on the gender of your partner. If it feels like a rip-off I hope you will remember this feeling the next time an anti-gay ballot measure or politician comes up for a vote in your home town. It's a crummy thing for anyone to face discrimination based on the person they love. My donation will help one family compensate for a cruel, biased system. You have the power to help change that system.
My children need legal protection despite the fact that their parents are both women. Votes against gay people hurt our children. If you love children, help pass civil union or pro-marriage laws that allow gay couples to formalize their relationships. On behalf of my son and daughter, and the children of millions of other gay couples, thank you.
The funny thing is, I don't believe in embryo donation.
It is wrong to prioritize the "adoption" of fertilized eggs when millions of living, breathing, loving children languish in orphanages and foster care systems worldwide. Their needs are greater than a fertilized egg sitting in a freezer.
As a donor, I have had to weigh my belief that fertilized eggs have no right to life with a desire to help ameliorate discrimination. Gay and lesbian families are barred from adopting unless they lie.
If adoption agencies, genetic parents, family courts and law-makers in the US looked at a couple's suitability to raise a child without regard to whether the partners were gay or straight you would not be reading this blog. That's because I would not donate these embryos if lesbians had equal access to adoption, embryo donation or even basic fertility treatments like IUI when starting their families. My wife and I would simply donate the embryos to science.
If the "sacrifice" of our embryos led to a cure for multiple sclerosis my co-worker would no longer be confined to a wheelchair. My friend's diabetes might be cured. Would I deny a fertilized egg bearing my DNA the possibility of becoming a child? If it meant bringing science even one step closer to curing some dread disease I would do it in a heartbeat -- the heartbeat that fertilized egg is two months of gestation and lots of luck away from ever experiencing.
As it is, a lesbian couple somewhere, just this once, is going to benefit from reverse discrimination. My donation will prioritize gay parents over straight ones. This embryo donation to a lesbian couple will be my small contribution to leveling the playing field.
If you are a member of a heterosexual couple that wants donor embryos, I am sorry you have to experience discrimination based on the gender of your partner. If it feels like a rip-off I hope you will remember this feeling the next time an anti-gay ballot measure or politician comes up for a vote in your home town. It's a crummy thing for anyone to face discrimination based on the person they love. My donation will help one family compensate for a cruel, biased system. You have the power to help change that system.
My children need legal protection despite the fact that their parents are both women. Votes against gay people hurt our children. If you love children, help pass civil union or pro-marriage laws that allow gay couples to formalize their relationships. On behalf of my son and daughter, and the children of millions of other gay couples, thank you.
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